Are you in a parasocial relationship with "the other woman"?

Three weeks after my five-year relationship ended in 2019, I was told my ex-boyfriend was seeing someone else. Naturally, I found her Instagram. Like a trainwreck that I couldn’t look away from, I proceeded to check her stories (that now included him) on a near-daily basis. The reasoning was simple — he had moved on far too fast and publicly and, subsequently, I was meant to hate her (from the safety of a private Instagram account) for being involved in that hurtful process. Only I didn’t. 

After I watched their short relationship peak and dissolve through my phone screen, I found myself wanting to check back on her every month or so. Although he was no longer in the picture (or in the Instagram story), and I no longer had the desire to check on what or how he was doing, I found myself wondering how she was doing or how her family vacation went. After watching a number of her stories and videos, I figured that she was (like me) a kind and thoughtful girl with lots to offer, who just happened to get played and underappreciated by the same man. 

Years later, I don’t have the urge to check her account anymore. Although I’ll always credit her for teaching me that neither of us were the problem — she likely doesn’t know I exist. As it turns out, I’m not the only person to experience this bizarre and intimate parasocial relationship. As creators on TikTok become more candid and vulnerable about their dating habits, people are starting to discuss what it means to check in online with “the other woman.” "I still stalk the girl my ex cheated on me with 4 years ago idc I'm emotionally attached to her,” posted one creator. “She's engaged and works in finance now. Happy for her.” Others have admitted to stalking them monthly or even daily, six years after the relationship ended. 

If you’re not actively engaging in this form of parasocial relationship yourself, even the (perhaps hypothetical) idea of being “that ex” when someone else is checking your social media has become a way to measure ones value. In the past couple of months, the conversation around checking up on your ex’s ex has gone from having more candid conversations about this habit to people flexing that they’re “not the ‘new girl’ you want to stalk.” For one creator, owning a business and being “god-fearing” is the reason she imagines other women would feel insecure while on her page. Other creators have used the trend as an opportunity to perpetuate misogyny. 

Dr. Lexx Brown-James, a sex therapist based in Pennsylvania, says this specific parasocial relationship is simply a result of human nature. “We wonder if we’re good enough, especially when a betrayal of trust has happened. We wonder what we are lacking and what someone else is able to give that we are not,” she says. “I think the cis-het women are taught that other women are your competition and that if someone cheats it's your fault.” With that in mind, the moment it transitions from insecure stalk to checking in on someone you have grown fond of, you’re already letting go of the pressure to compete with other women. 

Of course, the ways in which we discuss, stalk, and think about “the other woman” don’t usually reflect growth and understanding. In popular culture, we’re often quick to demonize and blame women for the downfall of relationships (from Angelina Jolie to Ariana Grande), before even holding the men accountable for their actions. This, says Dr. Brown-James, is when stalking your ex’s ex can become unhealthy. “If you’re rooting for the downfall or trying to one-up a person, it’s time to let it go,” she says. “If the person's relationship has ended it's a reminder of rejection and places that rejection on self rather than on the other person where it belongs.”

Maria, a 29-year-old in New York, says she’s prone to not only checking up on girls from previous exes but also uses social media stalking in “a lot of different capacities” in dating. “If I’m hooking up with a guy that I have no interest in dating, I’ll still do it because of this self-righteous feeling that you don’t care, but maybe you do in some capacity,” she says. “It has continued after I’ve seen someone. I think that’s where the acceptance of the girl and liking them come in.” The result of the entire parasocial interaction, says Maria, is a “trauma bond” that you’ve made up. “You create a delusion in your brain that they are someone that you’ve had an experience with,” she adds. 

The rise of social media brought with it the opportunity for more parasocial relationships in all of our lives (yes, you have a parasocial relationship with your favorite influencer). Instead of following the lives of celebrities through tabloids, we can become fixated or invested in the lives of everyday people with smaller accounts. This, in itself, isn’t always a bad thing. But, while other relationships get discussed out in the open, we’re often left to navigate these deeply emotional parasocial relationships alone. Perhaps that is the appeal — to be a secret voyeur in someone else's life or to imagine people doing the same on your account — but how we engage with our parasocial relationships soon becomes a manifestation of our deepest insecurities (or a longing for more connection or control). 

While there’s no denying that these parasocial relationships are one-sided, the act of talking about how insecurities can manifest as social media stalking can bring people together — whether it’s by sharing a TikTok video or admitting the behavior to close friends. “We should be talking about how we're creepy on the internet more often,” says Morgan Sullivan, who wrote a love letter to her exes’ exes for The Cut. “I think it's like any uncomfortable experience, like jealousy, irrationality, or insecurity — if we're all too afraid to admit to each other that we spent too much time on someone's Instagram page we're going to feel isolated in those experiences.” 

Ultimately, if we’re not viewing people online through a lens of how they compare to us, we’re viewing ourselves through the lens of how we hope others will feel during a brief social media visit. The results place far too much emphasis on what’s being perceived online, until we learn that it’s online comparison itself that is the issue. Sullivan still checks in on the girl she wrote the initial love letter to today — in fact, they are both now in happy relationships — but no longer in the way she first did. “At first, we get it wrong. We look at these pages and create stories in our minds. The sex was better; the relationship was stronger. He secretly loved her all along,” she says. “Then, as time passes, we see these girls for who they are. They were never a threat. You were both just with the wrong person at different times and that commonality bonds you. You are now her biggest fan, even if you don't know the girl in real life.”